Sunday, May 29, 2011

Mr Wolf’s Wicked Guide to Life

Ignatius Wolf

• Bestiality is frowned on by the squeamish. We’ve all experienced how difficult it is to book into a hotel with our pet llama (the South American alpaca not the Tibetan priest variety) and be refused by some overly cautious jobs-worth at the reception desk. Possibly painful and smelly, bestiality is nevertheless very fashionable in certain quarters – for example, the animal kingdom.

• Adultery is perfectly acceptable providing you get caught. Obviously you’re not in it for the sex – a few crumpled $100 notes will get that for you a lot cheaper and almost certainly better. No, you’re in it for the thrill of letting your friends know what a sexual drawcard you are. The best way to have the good news spread quickly is to be “accidently” discovered at 11pm in a city bar by one of your friends, ideally the one with the biggest mouth. Unless, of course, that’s the person you’ve started sleeping with.

• For practical purposes, anal sex is best practised in private. Utilising public places, such as street corners, tends to startle passing taxi drivers. Finding yourself rescuing a surprised and shaken cabbie from his crashed vehicle may take the gloss off your evening out.

• It is important to know the difference between aural sex and oral sex. Aural sex can be sought out in motel rooms with cardboard walls, oral sex is more likely to be found amongst people with a blinkered view of the world.

• Oedipus wasn’t that complex.

• At least with necrophilia, there’s no question of whether or not your partner will still respect you in the morning. If your social skills are underdeveloped, this could be a viable option.

• Being gay doesn’t automatically make you witty. In fact, your gay-ness may not even make you appealing to others with a similar bent. Perhaps you should consider bi-sexuality – it will double your chances of getting a date.

• 95% of Internet content is pornography, the rest is rubbish.



• Money can buy happiness: the rich have been lying to you.

• High maintenance prima donnas get all the attention at work and in life. Quietly focusing on the job won’t get you a pay rise. Employers aren’t interested in results, they want angst. Give it to them. It fills in their day.

• He who dies with the most toys doesn’t win: he just dies.

• We were put on Earth to make the rich happy.



• Scientology is good for your teeth: look at Tom Cruise.

• There is such a thing as bad publicity.

• You’ll never marry a movie star – they just don’t want to meet you.


Public speaking
  • The key to being a good public speaker is misplaced self confidence. 90% of all audience members are silently begging any speaker on any topic to get the hell off the stage. Provided you don't consider the possibility that your audience loathes you, you'll do just fine. Ibsen thought of it as "the saving lie".


• The world loves sports bores.



• Don’t dress your age: mutton dressed as mutton is not an appealing sight

• A full burqa flatters the figure.

• Everyone’s bum looks big in a thong.

• Fashion tip: if you’re going to Hell, wear something cool.


Mental health

• We are all mad to some degree.

• Country & Western music and Leonard Cohen's musings are not appropriate for psychiatrists’ waiting rooms.

• Stay sane: lie to yourself.



• Climate change is just a swimming lesson for polar bears.



• The al-Qaeda Anger Management Course just isn’t working.

• Let Iran have its nuclear bomb: what could possibly go wrong?

• Memo suicide bombers: there's a good reason those 72 virgins awaiting you are still single.

Table manners

• Drinking alcohol doesn’t make you more attractive.

• The world would be a better place without calories.

• Use-by-dates are accurate to within two weeks – either side of the date.


Mr Wolf’s Little Black Book of Helpful Hints:

 Every sinking ship needs a rat to lead the way.

 Your cat really doesn’t like you.

 In an ideal world, English would sound like French.

 The half-life of strontium-90 is 28 years, six years less than airline food.

 The human race is a slow one.

 “Carpe Diem” is actually Latin for “Seize the Donkey”.

 Elton John is heterosexual. Don’t be fooled by his social life.

 No one ever had a creative thought in a supermarket aisle.

 Astrologers can only predict the past.

 A little of Russell Crowe goes a long way.

 Good neighbours are the only real estate criteria.

 There’s nothing less relevant than an ex-politician.

 Travel broadens your mind and your bottom. It must be the pasta.

 Aliens already live amongst us. Be aware.
 Only considerate people are civilized.

 There is life on other planets, but no laughter.

 No-one is interested in your holidays.

 Getting a tattoo will not make you look like Angelina Jolie.

 Don’t consider suicide. The other bastards must go first.

 100,000 years of humankind’s progress ended with the introduction of instant coffee.

 Washing the homeless is a worthy charity.

 An aircraft in flight is an erotic sight.

 Politeness is shocking.

 A heart has nothing to do with love.

 Bestiality is painful and smelly - presumably.

 The egg came first.

 The world is not crying out for another Charlie’s Angels sequel.

 Don’t forgive and don’t forget. It’s more satisfying.

 There’s something rather silly about a penis.

 Cry wolf. The world will never catch on.

 There is no stairway to Heaven.

 A knight in un-shiny armour is more experienced.

 The more money you have, the more options you have.

 A cigarette makes you look cool – for one puff.
 Stale tobacco smoke smells of poverty.

 One swallow does not make a summer, but it can ruin a reputation.

 Pigs can’t fly.

 The Irish can write but not dance.

 The sword is mightier than the pen.

 Politicians can’t think with their pants down.

 Marlon Brando was a smug ham.

 Knowing one way to skin a cat is one way too many.

 Pushing the envelope doesn’t sound that risky.

 You may have to bang more than your head against the glass ceiling to succeed in business.

 The solution to greenhouse gas emissions? Fewer greenhouses.

 We all pay for sex – one way or another.

 Capital punishment solves the repeat offender problem.

 The Lord of The Rings trilogy was two rings too many.

 Career opportunity: a lawyer with kind eyes.

 Global warming is excellent for drying the washing.

 God is not dead: as you’re about to find out.

 Pride & Prejudice taught us one thing: moody rich guys get the chicks.

 Skinny people are a bumpy ride.

 Only happy drunks should be allowed alcohol.

 Paris Hilton is smarter than we are: she’s not reading magazine articles about us.

 Football would be more fun to watch if men played against women.

 Terrorists need a nice, quiet hobby.

 Don’t hate in plurals. Hate in the singular.

 The Beatles became self-important.

 Stir your martini. Only an amateur shakes it.

 Unique business opportunity: smuggle people to the East.

 Citizen Kane was the worst movie ever made.

 Fish tastes great with red wine.

 Elastic-waisted pants make life worth living.

 Celebrity tip: if you meet a TV star, only talk about him or her.

 Chocolate may be your only true friend.

 Any fool can write a rap song: and any fool has.

 Wraparound sunglasses should only be worn while robbing a corner store.

 A toupee should not have a parting.

 Celebrity chefs should butch it up a little.

 Wake Me Up Before You Go Go may be the world’s best pop song.

 If only the truth was out there.

 Have a nice day for all I care.

Copyright © 2011 GREG FLYNN